what a weekend

For memorial day, David and I went to his parents house.
I'm not sure what words to use to describe the weekend. I was emotional for some different reasons. The number one reason was because of the pregnancy hormones. Those hormones just make it so I can't seem to think clearly.

On Sunday, we went to church together as a family and had communion together. That was the first time that I had been to church on Sunday morning in over 2 months, since I was pregnant. Also, driving up to David's parents house was the first trip that I have been on since I was pregnant too. It took about 3 hours to drive there.

After that we went to lunch. Then we drove around and looked at houses. The idea was to get an idea of what was available in the area. But I kept having these waves of emotion come over me. I felt like we had to make a decision and that there were different types of stress coming at me from every angle. I felt like I was crying and screaming inside and everyone else around me didn't understand. I also kept thinking that this wasn't a big deal and that I should just toughen up. I guess I was expecting too much from myself. I don't know what my emotions can handle when I'm pregnant.
The more we drove around talking about "Oh look, there's a for sale sign, lets see what the price is on that house",(or lets see if we can look inside) the more I was thinking "I don't like this time pressure that I'm feeling". It seems like David and I had to make a decision really soon and move in and get settled before the baby comes. That right there just seemed impossible. Moving and buying a house for the first time and having a newborn baby? I cried just thinking about it because I was so overwhelmed. Only I cried later, after I got home to David's parents house.
I didn't realize that this overwhelming feeling was so bad. I thought that if I just tried to relax and think or cats or iceskating then I would feel better. But I couldn't think about anything else no matter how hard I tried. I prayed and talked to the Lord about this and it just seemed that the awful feelings were still there and they didn't go away. Everything was closing in around me.
Later around midnight though, I decided to have a horrible allergy attack. I don't know what was causing that, but I guess David felt sorry for me because he also had a n allergy attack. What a sneezing, nose blowing night that was! In the morning my nose was red and my eyes where dry and itchy. So on top of the allergies I was an emotional mess.
I decided to get a midnight snack in the kitchen and that is when I started to feel more stable and secure. It was as though the Lord had his arms around me telling me that everything was going to be ok. It was amazing.
Before I knew it, David's family was with me in the kitchen. We were talking about what we could do to ease the stress that I was feeling. It helped a lot just to talk about it. And the next morning at breakfast, we talked some more.

"I am holding you by your right hand, I the Lord your God. And I say to you "Do not be afraid. I am here to help you". Isaiah 41:13 NLT.

Why start to worry now?

I had a doctor appointment today and we got the results back from last week. I had an AFP test done to check for any abnormalities. The test came back positive. So that means that I have the option of having another test done which is called an amniocentesis test. From this test, they doctor can tell if there is in fact a problem.
The problems that can be detected from this test are a spinal problem, downs syndrome and a few others.
I am worried but David was with me today at the doctors appointment so it helped me a lot.
I am concerned about this though because this amniotic test involves taking a sample of the amniotic fluid (with a syringe needle) from my abdomen where the baby is. The amniotic fluid is taken to a lab to be tested. It doesn't sound like fun. But David is coming with me for support. He is a very supportive and a wonderful husband. I'm blessed to have him.
We are trusting the Lord on this. We know that he understands completely.
The rest of the appointment was fine. The doctor confirmed that I am 20 weeks pregnant as of today(5 months). Wow! I can hardly believe it.

After the appointment, I was hungry as usual. I have been so hungry lately, it seems like I'm always eating. After I ate a delicious roast beef sandwich and clam chowder soup from Togos, I begged David to come with me to Burlington Coat Factory to look at baby things. He likes it too. He even had fun looking at baby clothes and high chairs. It was great. It helped me to take my mind off of some of the things that I was worried about.
I know I know you are probably all thinking "Stop worrying Becky".....
I am trying but really the more I try to do it myself, I end up worrying even more and I just can't stop worrying by myself. I need God's help. I have been singing a song to myself by Twila Paris saying that God is in Control, and He is over everything. There is a line in the song that says "Why start to worry now?" It is a great song.

picture

David got this shirt for me for mother's day. Kind of funny huh? Just in case you can't read it, it says "Does this baby make me look fat?

I got poked

Today, I had a blood test done because I have been noticing a little spotting and or weird stuff (sorry to be gross). I was concerned so I called the nurse at my doctor's office. She was very nice and understanding. She said I should have a blood test done to check for some things just to be safe. If there are certain levels of (? I don't remember what it was) something important, then I have the option of having some more tests done. Anyway, I went to the lab to have my blood drawn. I was a little nervous because the last time, the nurse had to try both arms to find my vein. But of course last time my wonderful husband was with me so I could hold his hand. :-) I guess my veins just like to hide. I even asked if she could try my left arm first because last time, they found the vein there. But this time my veins were being stubborn. We finally had success with my left arm but boy did it hurt.
I may be able to have the results from this test by the next doctor appointment next week when I have a check up. The doctor is supposed to go over the ultrasound from April and I can ask some more questions.

On a related note, the prenatal tests that I had done in April came back normal. The nurse I talked to today at the doctor's office said everything was in the normal range and that the ultrasound seemed to be fine too. But the doctor will be there next week to talk things over with me. So I can stop worrying, right? I hate to say it but I think I'm a worrier to stay. Once a worrier always a worrier.

I think I was concerned because I haven't been having any more symptoms-(no unusual pain or cramping). In fact I was so concerned and worried that I starting imagining the worse and I started crying. I have been taking it easy for the most part. I've been trying to do all the right things.

I am going to take a nap now. I'm tired again.

Mother's Day events

Mother's day was nice. David and I had pictures taken with his family and went to dinner. The day before though, I was thinking that it was going to be a flop. First of all, I didn't have anything suitable to wear that fit me. I was a mess. David went with me to go shopping at the mall. I ended up crying in JCPenneys. I could hardly believe that most of these stores hardly had any selection. I may have been stressed because I am a little in between.(Not to big and not too small.) All I know is that none of my pre-pregnancy pants fit me. We finally ended up on going to Sears and I found some black pants in the maternity section. But the problem was that they were too long. That always seems to be a problem for me. What made it worse is that I didn't have time to hem them before Sunday. I thought about the iron-on hem tape that I had at home. So I used that except it didn't work too well. It kept coming undone.
David kept assuring me that you won't be able to see it in the pictures. But of course I felt self conscious because some people did notice that the tape wasn't doing it's job.
The main reason why I was worried about Mother's day was because I knew that I was going to see people and I didn't know what to say. I haven't seen some of David's family since before I had gotten pregnant and it was making me nervous.

On Sunday when we were getting ready to leave to have the pictures taken, I started feeling sick and nauseous. I can't believe that happens whenever I'm about ready to go some where. I don't know how to control it.

We got through the day, long pants and all. I ended up feeling ok for most of the day. Thank the Lord! Dinner was good at Marie Callendars. I had a yummy turkey dinner because that is what sounded good to me.
I think my baby liked the turkey too because I was feeling a lot of fluttering after I ate it. I was able to show everyone the ultrasound pictures that I brought with me too.

Fluttering

I've been noticing a lot of fluttering today. It feels kind of like tickling. It's been happening every few minutes.
I am pretty sure that I should be feeling his little feet kicking me really soon.

Yesterday evening David and I went for a walk. It was nice. I needed it. Actually we both needed it. We went walking around the park and then we decided to walk around some neighborhoods. It was fun to look at the colors and shapes of the houses and get some ideas and wonder what our future house would look like.
I was so tired at the end of the walk but I felt much better.

I've been having trouble sleeping recently. I toss and turn a lot and keep switching from side to side. I can't sleep on my back or my stomach. When I wake up, my back aches. Of course it aches pretty much all the time during the day too.
Also, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and feel wide awake. I think about things and worry. It takes me a while to fall back to sleep.

David and I are still waiting and wondering what we can do about the future moving possibilities. We are doing our best to wait on the Lord. But the unknown is something that I'm really stressed and worried about. In my mind, I can only see a small little picture that doesn't make sense. But the Lord sees and knows everything, even before anyone else knows what it is.
Our lives have already changed so much since last February. I am realizing that the Lord has complete control over our lives. He wanted us to have a baby at this time and I have to know that He will take care of everything.

Found a verse

I just found a verse that helps me to cope. Isaiah 42 v.16: "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth." NIV (expanded edition)
Another note: Has anyone heard about microwaves and standing too close to one while it' s operating during pregnancy? I've read something in a book that I have but I don't know if microwaves during pregnancy are really unsafe and not recommended.

I feel stuck

I'll try to explain what I mean. I want to sound positive but I'm afraid that this post may sound like I'm in a bad mood again. I'm not really in a bad mood but I'm just having a problem with some life situations.
For a while now I have been struggling with the fact that David works from home. In the living room in a 1 bedroom apartment. Some times I just can't see the advantages of it.
I think what makes it bad is that I don't work. I was going to school (until I was too sick to think about anything else) so that kept me busy for a while but now it seems that I have too much time on my hands. It's not always practical to go to a store or to get out the apartment. Some days I am too depressed to do anything. Also, the weather has something to do with it. I don't know what is going on with this weather but it's Southern Cal and it's suppose to be sunny. The weather people say that it's turning into "May Gray". Next it's going to be "June Gloom". That means no sun for 2 months.
When it's overcast and ugly outside, I don't feel like doing much and I don't feel like going for a walk in the park.
The weather seems to affect my mood and my desire get outside and I don't know what to do about it.
I have to think of some brilliant way of dealing with the fact that my husband works from home in the living room.
On days that he works, I can't talk to him because it interrupts him. I can't listen to the radio loudly or listen to CD's to help me to get out of my mood. I can't watch TV either because it's in the living room and it interrupts him.
I don't have the liberty to go shopping just for fun. Plus, going shopping is not something that I can do unless I really need something. We are trying to save up for a house so we can have room for our baby.
I am probably just exaggerating but this has been weighing on me for a while now.
The other problem is that I can't do too much these days because I don't have the energy. I get a lot of sleep but even if I do laundry and dishes, I'm tired for the rest of the day.
It seems to be a bit better now that I'm not feeling as sick as I was. Boy was that tough to deal with.
There is a possibility that we may have to stay here and to me that is impossible. I don't see how that will work. A new baby and a husband who works from home? How can we fit a bassinet into our bedroom?
This is why I've been feeling stuck. It is so hard for me to realize that God does know what we need. I am having a hard time thinking like a Christian and depending on God. Satan just gets in the way and wants me to think negative about everything.

Finally some pictures

Don't I look fabulous? I am about 4 1/2 months pregnant.

Found a stroller

Success! David and I picked out a perfect travel system. It's a car seat and a stroller that come together. It's great. We practiced folding it and unfolding it several times in the store. Yay! We also measured it to make sure it will fit into the car.
I like the colors too. It's very stylish.
That's one thing that I can stop worrying about.

Trusting God

My emotions are going berserk again. I was on my way to a Bible study this evening when I just lost it. I wanted to bring the ultrasound picture that we had taken last week. We were looking forward to going tonight so that we could show our friends. What happened was that David and I were running late, and I was making myself a snack to bring along with me. I had some apple juice in a closed container and a lunch cooler. When I got to the car, I realized that the juice container was leaking. All over me and the side of the car. Anyway, that is when I lost it. I felt like I was back at the beginning of my first trimester. I ran back to the apartment and threw up and cried.
I started thinking about all the unknown things that we are dealing with right now. My emotions just can't handle this rollercoaster. It's just way too much.
I realize that when I start to get stressed and worried about things, that is when I feel overwhelmed and it brings on the nausea. I thought those days were ending.
I am having such a difficult time trusting God. I just feel so alone. I can't seem to stop worrying and stressing. I also feel like God is not with me.
I know that I can't rely on my feelings but they seem so real and nothing else makes sense. I hate my feelings right now.

I don't know how I'm going to make it as a mom. I am really struggling with a lot of things during this pregnancy and I'm afraid that it will get worse.

I think the devil had fun with me this evening. David and I didn't get to go to the Bible study and that is just what he wanted. I'm upset and I feel like the whole evening is ruined. The devil wants me to feel negative too. It is so hard to resist him sometimes.

Restless nights

Yesterday evening David and I went to Burlington Coat factory to look at strollers and car seats. I've never walked around the whole store before so when I saw the Baby Depot, I was amazed. For a coat factory, they have a lot of selection.
It was nice be able to test out the strollers. They had some really neat travel systems. But some of them seemed to be a little complicated to figure out. Of course I'm not that familiar with these types of things. Anyway, we found a few that we like. :) We will probably come back later to spend more time looking.

When I got home and started to feel tired, I tried to fall asleep. But I laid awake thinking about how I was going to get a car seat into the back of my car. I don't know if it's going to fit. I have a 2 door and I'm worried. It's not like I can just go out an buy a new 4 door car right now. That seems like it would make things so much easier. I have to make do with what I have.
I'm haven't even tried to see if a car seat will fit. I just keep thinking about how it's inconvenient to have people sit in the back of my car. I have to move the seat forward to accommodate people. I don't know if I can handle having the car seat in the back and always tilting the seat or moving it to get the baby in and out.
This seems like such a dumb thing to be stressed about.
The other thing that made me keep tossing and turning was the stroller. Can I fit it into the back of the trunk with no problem?
I don't even know if I can test out a stroller and car seat in the store and take it out to my car to see if it fits. It seems to me that the sales clerks aren't always that nice and understanding. Or at least some of the ones that I've run into.
But people have told me to make sure that I get a car seat and stroller that fit in my car. I have no idea how this works. Do they expect you to buy the travel system and then return it if it doesn't work?

I'm frustrated because I don't have a instruction manual on how to be a mom, and how (and what) to buy for your baby. What I don't understand is that every mom has to do this.... but how do they do it? It seems like they just know what to do. But I'm having problems figuring it all out. Why do I keep hearing "I'll just know what to do when the time comes"? How is that really possible if I've never had a baby before?
It's one thing to be pregnant and carry a baby for 9 months and a whole different thing to take care of a baby after it's born.

I guess all these restless nights that I've been having are preparing me (in some weird way) for what is to come.