struggling
I've decided to write on here for now. I have had a MAJOR life changing experience since I have last wrote anything on here.
About 3 months ago, my husband and I had a miscarriage. It was extremely sudden. I was 19 weeks when our baby girl died. I have been (and still am from time to time) so confused, angry, resentful and a number of other emotions.
When I was first pregnant with Brianna (that is the name we gave her), I had to have progesterone injections 3 times a week for about 3 months. It was very tiring and hard on my body. My progesterone (hormone levels) were extremely low. But the doctor believed that the progesterone shots would help. After about 3 months or so, the nurse called me and let me know that my levels were fine and that I didn't need the shots anymore. So at that point David and I thought we were out of the woods. Brianna was going to be ok.
This past November, I went in for the 18 week ultrasound to find out that she was a girl. We were pleasantly surprised. The ultrasound technician said Brianna looked good and her heart was beating strong.
Then on the week of November 19th, David had to go on a business trip on the East coast. I had another doctor appointment because I had to have a routine Papsmear done. The nurse decided to check the heart tones. When she couldn't hear the heart beat, she called in another nurse and the doctor to check it. Neither of them could find it.
I still wasn't worried about it although I was getting a little concerned that my experienced OB doctor couldn't find it by prodding and poking around on my abdomen so much so that it made me wince and close my eyes and count to help me relax. "She's probably just in a certain position and maybe her back is turned", I thought to myself.
My doctor quickly decided to do an ultrasound. A nurse and him took me into the room and started looking at Brianna. The doctor finally called the technician and asked if something was wrong with the ultrasound wand. She said that it should have been fine.
The doctor looked some more. Then I felt really hot and clammy. The nurse who was sitting down on my left, held my hand. My doctor looked at me and then back at the screen.
"Becky, I have some really bad news...... Your baby's heart has stopped beating. I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry."
It looked like a picture of Brianna, almost identical of the ultrasound picture of the week before.
I kept looking at the screen. I thought that something was wrong with the ultrasound screen.
I looked down at my stomach. I couldn't put it together that Brianna was in there.
"NO! This didn't just happen!!!",I thought to myself.
So the nurse kept holding my hand. She told me that I needed to call my family and my husband.
I told her that David was on a business trip and he wouldn't be home until Saturday.
I called him and tried a few times to get a hold of him. I left a text message and a voicemail to let him know that this was extremely urgent.
When I was able to get a hold of David he was just as shocked as I was. He said he would take the next flight home. So he would be home on Friday instead of Saturday.
In the meantime I called a few friends and got a hold of a girl who happened to be available during the dinner time hour. She came to the doctor's office and picked me up. (The nurse said there was NO way in the world that I would be driving now after I just found out that my baby died!) So my friend took me first to the pharmacy and to get something to eat because I hadn't eaten since lunch. I was in complete shock at this point. I actually thought I felt Brianna move.
It was crazy! I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it.
Amy (the angel who came and helped me :) dropped me off at home and stayed with me for a while until other arrangements could me made and until someone else could be there with me. My neighbor across the street was watching the boys for me while I had the doctor appointment. While I was in the doctors office I decided to call my Aunt and Uncle who live 1 hour away. They are my closest family. They decided to come and pick me, Eric and Ethan up and take them to their house so we could stay the night. No one wanted me to stay alone that night.
On Saturday, I had to give birth to Brianna. I was induced to go into labor. The labor and birth was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. She was breech and since she was dead, she couldn't move into a better position. It was awful! I wish I felt the Lord's presence but I didn't. I had to believe that He was there but I was so emotional and sad that I had a very hard time believing that He promises to be with me.
The nurses gave me some medicine to help me to relax. She also told me that I shouldn't need an epidural because Brianna was so small. Ha!! But the worst part of the pain was the crowing and the birthing. I wasn't sure if I could look at her. But then at the last minute I decided to.
She looked so small and red. She had eye lashes and fingernails. It was incredible in a very sad way. I really can't describe it. I was thinking "What happened? What went wrong? Why???!!! Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?"
Looking at Brianna in my lap was horrible. The best way that I can describe it is emotional torture. That's what it was to me.
On Sunday, I was discharged to go home. With no baby... I cried all the way home. Everything seemed so blurry around me.
I was so thankful that my Mom was able to fly up and be with me for 2 weeks. It was so helpful to have her here. She took care of the boys for us while David and I spent some time together grieving and planning for a memorial.
The next few days we decided to plan a memorial service for Brianna. It was held the next Saturday (a few days after Thanksgiving).
My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for me. I can't honestly say if it has helped. Although I have noticed that it has suppressed and delayed my sadness a little bit. I also feel as though it has made me feel sort of apathetic but I'm not sure if that is what it is.
I recently have weaned myself off of the medicine and now it seems like I cry very easily.
It is very hard to just be a Mom to our boys and a wife to my husband. I am not myself. I don't know when or if I'm ever going to be normal.
I had to get this out. I have decided to not use my facebook account for a while. I hope you all understand.
Please pray for me and my family. We really need it. Thanks! I love you all!
About 3 months ago, my husband and I had a miscarriage. It was extremely sudden. I was 19 weeks when our baby girl died. I have been (and still am from time to time) so confused, angry, resentful and a number of other emotions.
When I was first pregnant with Brianna (that is the name we gave her), I had to have progesterone injections 3 times a week for about 3 months. It was very tiring and hard on my body. My progesterone (hormone levels) were extremely low. But the doctor believed that the progesterone shots would help. After about 3 months or so, the nurse called me and let me know that my levels were fine and that I didn't need the shots anymore. So at that point David and I thought we were out of the woods. Brianna was going to be ok.
This past November, I went in for the 18 week ultrasound to find out that she was a girl. We were pleasantly surprised. The ultrasound technician said Brianna looked good and her heart was beating strong.
Then on the week of November 19th, David had to go on a business trip on the East coast. I had another doctor appointment because I had to have a routine Papsmear done. The nurse decided to check the heart tones. When she couldn't hear the heart beat, she called in another nurse and the doctor to check it. Neither of them could find it.
I still wasn't worried about it although I was getting a little concerned that my experienced OB doctor couldn't find it by prodding and poking around on my abdomen so much so that it made me wince and close my eyes and count to help me relax. "She's probably just in a certain position and maybe her back is turned", I thought to myself.
My doctor quickly decided to do an ultrasound. A nurse and him took me into the room and started looking at Brianna. The doctor finally called the technician and asked if something was wrong with the ultrasound wand. She said that it should have been fine.
The doctor looked some more. Then I felt really hot and clammy. The nurse who was sitting down on my left, held my hand. My doctor looked at me and then back at the screen.
"Becky, I have some really bad news...... Your baby's heart has stopped beating. I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry."
It looked like a picture of Brianna, almost identical of the ultrasound picture of the week before.
I kept looking at the screen. I thought that something was wrong with the ultrasound screen.
I looked down at my stomach. I couldn't put it together that Brianna was in there.
"NO! This didn't just happen!!!",I thought to myself.
So the nurse kept holding my hand. She told me that I needed to call my family and my husband.
I told her that David was on a business trip and he wouldn't be home until Saturday.
I called him and tried a few times to get a hold of him. I left a text message and a voicemail to let him know that this was extremely urgent.
When I was able to get a hold of David he was just as shocked as I was. He said he would take the next flight home. So he would be home on Friday instead of Saturday.
In the meantime I called a few friends and got a hold of a girl who happened to be available during the dinner time hour. She came to the doctor's office and picked me up. (The nurse said there was NO way in the world that I would be driving now after I just found out that my baby died!) So my friend took me first to the pharmacy and to get something to eat because I hadn't eaten since lunch. I was in complete shock at this point. I actually thought I felt Brianna move.
It was crazy! I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it.
Amy (the angel who came and helped me :) dropped me off at home and stayed with me for a while until other arrangements could me made and until someone else could be there with me. My neighbor across the street was watching the boys for me while I had the doctor appointment. While I was in the doctors office I decided to call my Aunt and Uncle who live 1 hour away. They are my closest family. They decided to come and pick me, Eric and Ethan up and take them to their house so we could stay the night. No one wanted me to stay alone that night.
On Saturday, I had to give birth to Brianna. I was induced to go into labor. The labor and birth was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. She was breech and since she was dead, she couldn't move into a better position. It was awful! I wish I felt the Lord's presence but I didn't. I had to believe that He was there but I was so emotional and sad that I had a very hard time believing that He promises to be with me.
The nurses gave me some medicine to help me to relax. She also told me that I shouldn't need an epidural because Brianna was so small. Ha!! But the worst part of the pain was the crowing and the birthing. I wasn't sure if I could look at her. But then at the last minute I decided to.
She looked so small and red. She had eye lashes and fingernails. It was incredible in a very sad way. I really can't describe it. I was thinking "What happened? What went wrong? Why???!!! Why did this happen? What did I do wrong?"
Looking at Brianna in my lap was horrible. The best way that I can describe it is emotional torture. That's what it was to me.
On Sunday, I was discharged to go home. With no baby... I cried all the way home. Everything seemed so blurry around me.
I was so thankful that my Mom was able to fly up and be with me for 2 weeks. It was so helpful to have her here. She took care of the boys for us while David and I spent some time together grieving and planning for a memorial.
The next few days we decided to plan a memorial service for Brianna. It was held the next Saturday (a few days after Thanksgiving).
My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant for me. I can't honestly say if it has helped. Although I have noticed that it has suppressed and delayed my sadness a little bit. I also feel as though it has made me feel sort of apathetic but I'm not sure if that is what it is.
I recently have weaned myself off of the medicine and now it seems like I cry very easily.
It is very hard to just be a Mom to our boys and a wife to my husband. I am not myself. I don't know when or if I'm ever going to be normal.
I had to get this out. I have decided to not use my facebook account for a while. I hope you all understand.
Please pray for me and my family. We really need it. Thanks! I love you all!
posted by Becky @ 9:43 PM
13 Comments
