not sure what to call this
(this post contains some emotions... just a warning)
This morning I woke up with swollen eyes.
Yesterday I went to a baby shower, for the first time since our miscarriage. I was doing ok until last night and this morning. I kind of had an idea that it would be difficult.
This morning it seemed to hit me or maybe it was like I hit it like a brick wall. I thought I was getting better. But suddenly the jealousy, anger and bitterness came up again.
The mom who was the guest of honor sat there so pretty. Along with her sat some other moms who had their babies with them. All girls... Imagine that? The cute baby girl clothes and the baby shoes.... It just went on and on. Satan was having a "hay day" with me yesterday and today.
I didn't even go to Church today. I didn't want to.
I don't think I will ever understand why there are some moms who had the chance to find out that their baby had a problem in an ultrasound or by some tests. When I had my 18 week ultrasound done to find out she was a girl, she appeared to be healthy. I don't know what defect or she had to cause her to die. I'm confused.
Did God supernaturally reach in and take her home? Maybe nothing really was wrong with Brianna. I don't know.
But I am having a hard time going forward. It is hard for me to be really happy and hold nothing back when I think of these Moms who have healthy babies.
I know I have 2 healthy boys. I don't know why I can't just be happy and get on with my life.
I also don't know why my husband doesn't understand. He's fine and I'm not.
This morning I woke up with swollen eyes.
Yesterday I went to a baby shower, for the first time since our miscarriage. I was doing ok until last night and this morning. I kind of had an idea that it would be difficult.
This morning it seemed to hit me or maybe it was like I hit it like a brick wall. I thought I was getting better. But suddenly the jealousy, anger and bitterness came up again.
The mom who was the guest of honor sat there so pretty. Along with her sat some other moms who had their babies with them. All girls... Imagine that? The cute baby girl clothes and the baby shoes.... It just went on and on. Satan was having a "hay day" with me yesterday and today.
I didn't even go to Church today. I didn't want to.
I don't think I will ever understand why there are some moms who had the chance to find out that their baby had a problem in an ultrasound or by some tests. When I had my 18 week ultrasound done to find out she was a girl, she appeared to be healthy. I don't know what defect or she had to cause her to die. I'm confused.
Did God supernaturally reach in and take her home? Maybe nothing really was wrong with Brianna. I don't know.
But I am having a hard time going forward. It is hard for me to be really happy and hold nothing back when I think of these Moms who have healthy babies.
I know I have 2 healthy boys. I don't know why I can't just be happy and get on with my life.
I also don't know why my husband doesn't understand. He's fine and I'm not.
posted by Becky @ 11:55 AM
4 Comments:
At 4:25 PM ,
Kirsten said...
Praying for you, Becky--for comfort, peace, and understanding that only our God of compassion can give.
At 10:38 PM ,
ioi said...
Call it grief. We're praying for you here too, Becky. This road you're on, is long and rocky. Don't let it put distance between you and your David. Sometimes when we hurt we see things with different eyes. He might be 'fine' and just not be showing the hurt he has. And just seeing how much pain this has caused you, will make any man ache for his wife. "This too, shall pass."
At 8:31 PM ,
beck said...
Your process of grief probably won't look like anyone else's, and that's ok because no one else is you - please be gentle with yourself. I'm so sorry this happened. Is. 58:11.
At 9:27 PM ,
Unknown said...
You, as the mother will directly feel the most impact with grief, I am sure! Guys will never understand, they weren't created the way we, females are. You're every being that was inside you was abruptly taken away by the Lord. He did and does know what He is doing, Becky. You will need lots more time for healing and peace that your precious Brianna is in Heaven now. We pray for you daily. Love U lots, Mom :)
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