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Monday, July 26, 2010


Thank you all for your prayers for me.
Since I've last posted on here, I have talked to a counselor.
She is nice and is a Christian. It's so nice to share the faith. :)
She is helping me to sort through my thoughts and feelings. She has suggested that I write down my feelings/thoughts and how I react to things on a day to day basis.

I am pretty sure that I know why I have been struggling a little more recently.
The past 2 years I have either been pregnant or nursing. Last year, I was both. Ethan was 7 months old when I found out I was pregnant with Brianna. I weaned Ethan pretty quickly. He didn't like the idea but he adjusted.
So I had a lot going on the past 3 years actually. And this summer I don't have much that I am preoccupied with. It's just different. It's a lonely and bored feeling. It's kind of weird to think that I am lonely. I think that is one of the ways that Satan has been attacking me lately.
Eric and Ethan are a handful. I think it's because of their ages and age difference. It's hard for me to keep Ethan busy because he has a short attention span. Anyway, that's a struggle in itself.

I am glad that I can start to identify some of the reasons why I have feeling lonely and depressed. I know a big part of this is that I'm grieving too. That makes all of these life changes much more difficult to handle.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

SAHM and some venting....

I am a Stay-At-Home-Mom. I do not like it, I don't like it one bit. I do not like green eggs and ham......
Ok, that's not exactly how I feel. But some days, I do hate it. Or maybe my hormones hate it.
Some days I lack the motivation to call people to set up play dates. I feel sorry for myself and I hope that people would call me. But then I think, "why would they need to call me? They don't want to get out of their house, because they have a house with a family room and a play room and their husband doesn't work from home (using one of the bedrooms).

(I really need to get this stuff out---I'm sorry for complaining/venting?)
It drives me crazy sometimes. I have a very hard time keeping the kids busy. Most of the time, I have to take them out some place just to make it through the day. I hope I am normal because this stress is making me crazy. I get frustrated because I don't see that things will get better.
My husband doesn't see this, he just thinks I'm crazy and emotional/hormonal.
I have been trying to give this stress to God and say "please take this from me". Maybe I don't know how to ask God to feel me with the Holy Spirit. I don't know.
I have been thinking that the Holy Spirit is a magic wand and that if I just pray the right prayer, that the stress would go away and I will be ok and that also I would be content with my circumstances.

I am sure I have the wrong attitude or heart about this, but this is what has been on my mind for quite a while. I don't know why when I need God's strength the most, that seems to be when my prayers hit the ceiling.

I have been realizing that sleeping, exercise and reading/studying the Bible really help A LOT. I can't believe the difference they make.

So I think I will be ok, I just have to remember that there are some VERY GOOD and cheap/free things I can do. Sleep, exercise, and get in God's word/pray.

If any of you have a minute I would really appreciate some prayer.
Please pray that I will remember to read His promises/verses, exercise and sleep.

Being a Stay at home Mom is exhausting.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Summer time pictures

I know it's not officially summer time until next week, but the weather was really nice last weekend so I took the boys outside and told them to enjoy themselves. :-) They are really good at doing that. They are also really good at driving their mommy crazy. I love the look on Eric and Ethan's faces in the pool. They were having such a good time. :-)

We got them a sand box (thanks to Craiglist) and they love it. It's messy but I was getting desperate for things for the kids to do outside.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

No more pain..... no more PMS, diaper rashes, tooth decay..

Being with Jesus for the eternity is going to be awesome!

I was just thinking about the ickiness of life lately. Life on this earth stinks.
I just went to the dentist today for the first time in a long time. (who has time to go to the dentist when we have kiddos to take care of?) Anyway, I found time today. I have a few cavities and a clicking jaw problem. I've noticed the jaw problem for a while now, actually for a few years or so. But it hasn't been a huge problem and doesn't seem to interfere with my every day life.
To make a long story short, I have to wear a night guard.
First I have to have the fillings done and then I have to get the night guard which means I will wear it at night. What fun!

So in heaven we won't have any of this garbage. We'll have new bodies! And most importantly we'll be with Jesus forever. Just think, no more PMS, cramps, headaches, toothaches, cancer, tumors, etc....the list goes on.

Friday, May 28, 2010

a very rainy Friday

Today it rained A LOT. I can hardly believe how rainy the month of May has been. I'm really looking forward to having some sunny, park days. And so are my boys.... Let me tell ya! Oh my goodness! Summer where are you?

Ethan is sick. He is grumpy and he doesn't have an appetite. He has had a rash for a few days and a fever. I am guessing that he got it from his brother.

Well Eric and Ethan are hanging onto me and Ethan is threatening to turn the computer off.
Gotta go! Bye!

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

non stop

Eric has started asking "What's that? and why? and so on.... Help!!! He will be 4 in 4 months!!! Where or where did the time go?

And Ethan is almost 17 months. Yikes! In some ways I'm looking forward to the summer time but in other ways I'm not because I know I'll be so busy chasing them all over the place.

Today I took the boys to Target. I didn't think that a quick trip would be so adventurous. I originally went in just to use the restroom but then Eric said he "had to potty" also :-). Then I went over to get some more pull-ups and on the to the cashier/check-out, Eric managed to fall and hit his nose and cut his lip ( He was doing a combination of skipping/jumping, do all 3 year olds have this much energy?). I looked at him and then noticed that he was bleeding. Should I start panicking now? (yes!) Well, I tried to remain calm (even though he starting crying loudly in the middle of the store) but I didn't really have anything with me to clean up blood but I did have some wipes. I got a few out and held them up to his nose and then made our way to the restroom. When I got to the bathroom, I was able to use some wet paper towels and pinch his nose to stop the bleeding. After we got ourselves back together and Eric seemed happy again, I finished buying the pull-ups (I went back and got the pull-ups because I got distracted).
Whew! What a day.

Just this week Eric has been talking and jabbering pretty much non-stop. I am trying to enjoy it but some times it really ....... drives me crazy. :-O I know this will pass. This is a very challenging time though because Ethan is also very busy. I have been working on getting a break now and then during the day. Ethan almost always takes a good 2-3 nap, but Eric takes a little more work. He will sleep if I tire him out enough. I love those breaks during the day.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

not sure what to call this

(this post contains some emotions... just a warning)

This morning I woke up with swollen eyes.

Yesterday I went to a baby shower, for the first time since our miscarriage. I was doing ok until last night and this morning. I kind of had an idea that it would be difficult.
This morning it seemed to hit me or maybe it was like I hit it like a brick wall. I thought I was getting better. But suddenly the jealousy, anger and bitterness came up again.

The mom who was the guest of honor sat there so pretty. Along with her sat some other moms who had their babies with them. All girls... Imagine that? The cute baby girl clothes and the baby shoes.... It just went on and on. Satan was having a "hay day" with me yesterday and today.
I didn't even go to Church today. I didn't want to.

I don't think I will ever understand why there are some moms who had the chance to find out that their baby had a problem in an ultrasound or by some tests. When I had my 18 week ultrasound done to find out she was a girl, she appeared to be healthy. I don't know what defect or she had to cause her to die. I'm confused.
Did God supernaturally reach in and take her home? Maybe nothing really was wrong with Brianna. I don't know.
But I am having a hard time going forward. It is hard for me to be really happy and hold nothing back when I think of these Moms who have healthy babies.

I know I have 2 healthy boys. I don't know why I can't just be happy and get on with my life.

I also don't know why my husband doesn't understand. He's fine and I'm not.