Expecting

I went shopping last week on one of the rare days that I was feeling ok. My jeans were getting too tight and uncomfortable. I went to the maternity section at Target. I didn't know what to look for but I knew I wanted something that gave me some more room. I was starting to feel embarrassed about having my jeans unbuttoned in public even though I had a shirt covering them.

Another thing I did last week was I went to a baby store. It was an amazing. I went to my school and did some necessary errands (because I dropped most of my classes). I needed to pay a fee for an overdue library book, etc. On my way back, I was feeling pretty good. I decided to stop at this really cool baby store. I was amazed at how much baby stuff they had. I think I know where I will be registering soon. :)

This past weekend was difficult though. David and I went to dinner with his parents. On the way there, I was feeling nasty. After I ate I felt better. That's a good thing. Also, on the way home I got to see some fire works from Disneyland (on the freeway). So the evening ended well.

Saturday wasn't so good. I woke up feeling icky again. The rest of the day I was emotional. It was nuts.
Sunday wasn't so good either. I was very sick again. (How much longer, Lord?) The rest of the day my stomach was threatening to throw up. Yuck. It was pretty awful.

One of the many things that I've been struggling with lately is eating.
I can't seem to keep enough food in the apartment. I need to eat 6-8 times a day.
The more often I eat the better I feel (usually, but not always). But the problem is that I start to feel really sick when I think about going grocery shopping. So I have been sending David to the store for me. It's difficult having this food and nausea problem.

I'm glad that I have a husband who helps me like that. He is wonderful.

waiting

I want to say a big "Thank you" for all of the comments on my blog. I really appreciate them. They are encouraging. It helps me to realize that other people have experienced this too and they made it and they have beautiful babies now. :-)

I called this post waiting because I've been struggling with waiting. Or actually being patient. I'm waiting to get approved for our health insurance. Once I get approved then I can make an appointment with an OBGYN. I am anxious about that. But I'm looking forward to it because I really want to know more information. What I know right now is that I'm maybe 9 weeks along right now but the doctor didn't know for sure when I had that first ultrasound. I also want to know how my baby is. I can't help but worry. I'm not sure if I'm getting the right nutrients or if I'm doing the right things. I am trying to do what I can but I still don't know. I'm still really new at this.

I'm also concerned and worried because I hardly feel like doing anything. I have some days when I feel a little better. Then the next day is icky, when even a piece of plain toast is treatening to come up. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better. I just don't want to get into this habit of staying inside for the next 7 months. If I do get into that habit, I'm afraid that I'll never want to go out in public even after the baby is born.

I really wish I could just stop worrying and fretting about things and realize that God is in control of everything.

Part of me wants to try to get out of the apartment and take a walk but the pregnancy part of me doesn't. I guess that didn't really make too much sense. All of me is pregnant right now. :-]
Anyway, I am just afraid of getting out in public or something. I can't put my finger on what is wrong with me but I think it has something to do with my gag reflex. Everytime I smell something or if I imagine smelling something, it happens. I have no idea what smells trigger my gag reflex but it's frustrating. I can't have a perfectly fresh smelling apartment all the time. Or if I go outside in my car, if there is something in my center consule (garbage place next to the driver's seat) that I forgot to through away and then Ugh...... it has been there too long.

I think it would be good for me to try to get out and maybe even go to the mall. But that is too tempting for me. I don't have the money to be spending money on things I don't need. (David and I are trying to save up for our new addition to our family). I'm also afraid that I will see some really cute baby things and have to buy it. Sometimes I think I have no will power when it comes to spending and shopping.
I'm so glad that David helps to balance me out. :)

Things

I have things to do but I don't want to do them. I feel lazy. I have some homework to do, but I don't feel like doing it right now. I'm procrastinating.

Speaking of school, I had my final in my excel class last night. I made it through. Without God's help I would not have made it.

I have been feeling a little better. The nausea isn't as strong. Hooray! Although it still comes up on me from time to time. I hope that the worst is over. I'm still having a hard time imagining that I am going to be a mom in about 7 months. I get really emotional about that. I think David will be the calm one. He'll be the one who can calm down the crying baby in the middle of the night. :) He calms me when I'm crying and emotional. He's the best husband any woman could ask for and he's mine. :-)
Right now I am eating a boysenberry flavored yogurt. It seems to be one of the only foods that taste like it's suppose to. I mean almost all the other foods that I used to like, taste really strange to me and they usually turn my stomach. Actually one other type of food is Taco Bell. It really tasted good last night when I was on my way home from school. I'm glad that my favorite fast food place still sounds good to me now that I'm pregnant.

One other thing that I am struggling with is the fact that I don't have an OBGYN doctor to go to right now. David and I have applied for a health insurance program for women who are pregnant but don't have maternity care. We are hoping that by the end of this month, we will have insurance and not have to worry.
It is hard for me to just sit and wait and wonder if my baby is healthy and growing the way that it should. That's one more thing for me to worry about. I would love it if I could just buy an ultrasound machine and hook it up at home. I just want to know that it's ok. I also love to hear the heartbeat.

I need to have my first official prenatal appointment. The icky one where they do all these tests and ask a bunch of questions. At least that's what I've heard. David is planning on going with me to this appointment. I am so glad. I will need him to help me to answer some of the crazy questions that the doctor will ask us.

sick of being sick

These are my thoughts although they may be irrational, they seem sooooo true right now.

I've only been feeling terribly sick for the past 2 weeks. I am so frustrated right now. I thought that there were some things that I could do or eat (or not eat) that would help the nausea. I also think that my body is confused it doesn't know what "morning sickness" means. I mean I thought it meant that I would be sick in the morning and then I would be fine for the rest of the day. For the past 2 weeks, I seem to be sick all day long (and recently) through the night too. I'm really struggling with this. I've heard that there is a time where a woman will be "glowing with child". I hope that will be a happy time. But right now I doubt that will happen.

I'm sorry that this is such a negative post. I just need some encouragement.
Right now I really hate being pregnant. I'm frustrated that some of my friends are calling me and want to get together, but I don't feel like it.
I really don't want to go out in public and then all of a sudden feel like barfing. I just want to be back to normal. I am also anxious about starting to show when my belly gets bigger. I'm worried about how people will react, and if I will cry in front of them. I've been so emotional lately it's pathetic. I feel like I have PMS all the time.

Also, David is trying to help me but he's busy. I just wish that I could actually go shopping, do housework etc like a normal person. David is busy with school and I just can't wait until I start feeling better so that I can be normal and help him. I mean when I'm emotional it makes everything so much worse. I really hate this part of being pregnant.

I've been told that this will pass. But the other scary thought is if I actually do have twins then I could be sick for the whole 9 months. That's unthinkable for me right now. I don't remember if I mentioned this earlier but when I had the first ultrasound, the doctor saw 2 sacks. That means that I could have twins and yes it's in our family. :)

I want to be excited about that possibility but at the same time I'm scared and so overwhelmed at the thought. I hope tomorrow or maybe next week is better. I feel like I just want to give up. I never imagined that being pregnant was going to be so awful. It seems like this is just a sign of what's to come, and that things are only going to get worse.

I made it through class!

Here is a book that I've been reading a lot lately. It is very helpful. :)

What I mean is that I had my excel class last night. Last week I was emotional and feeling icky so I couldn't make it. I was worried about it because I thought sure I would be sick and have to run and head straight for the bathroom. Also, I didn't know how I was going to drive there. (It's a little far from where we live, especially when there's traffic) Some times I can be feeling somewhat normal. And then the next minute I could feel really lousy. That's why I was worried.
The thing that makes it worse is that I can't find a magical cure for the nausea. It just happens and I have to endure it while it lasts.

But I feel good (or at least better) because I was able to sit in class and hopefully be ready for the final next week. I think it was good for me to get out of the house too. At first, when I was on my way to school, I almost turned around and came back home because it was raining. My car doesn't do too well in the rain and I'm always afraid that I'm going to get in an accident because the tires don't stop like they're suppose to. But thank God I made it safe and sound. :-)

I decided to go grocery shopping on my way home. That was a crazy idea. I was actually feeling ok before I saw all the food on the shelves. But I really needed to get some more food because I was running out of the things that I can eat. So I made it a quick trip and just got the necessities. Boy was it hard to walk pass the seafood/deli section of the store. Ugh! I had to hold my breath.

Lately I have been so emotional. I don't even realize it either. I just think that everyone else is being unreasonable. I'm so glad and thankful that David is calm and understanding through this. He seems to understand that I'm not myself and that the reason why I act so crazy is that I have a little pea sized (approximately) baby growing inside me. I don't know what I would do without him.

I am now Mrs. Barf-a-lot Zwicker

This morning it hit me. I am a nice, lovely, pregnant woman. Whoohoo!
I just don't feel the excitement today. I wonder "Is my body suppose to be rejecting everything that I try to put into it?" I just feel nasty today.

According to the doctor I should start feeling better in about 6 more weeks. Ugh!
Earlier this morning I was trying to send an email and all of a sudden I was running to the toilet.

This is scary. I just don't know if I can handle this for another 6 weeks.

My most recent news is: I have decided to cancel 2 of my classes. I had a typing class that starts in the middle of March (a 9am morning class). After this morning I knew that there was no way I could do that.
The other class (Career and Life planning) was on Monday and Wednesday. Nope, not going to happen.
This little baby is much more important than some dumb classes. School is just going to have to wait for now. The Lord wanted me to have a baby. :-) I don't know what to say about that.
The only problem is that I still have 2 other classes. One is Excel, and I only have 2 more classes meeting times. It's on Monday evening. (We'll see if I can manage that.) I couldn't cancel because it is a short class and it's almost over. The other class is an online Outlook class and I can do it at home. That should be ok.

David is wonderful. He will be a great dad. :-) He is sooooo excited. Sometimes, it seems like he is more excited than me. It's so neat.
Everything seems great except for the sick part.

Ugh. This morning sickness stuff is for the birds. I can't eat or smell anything with out running to the toilet.