a very rainy Friday

Today it rained A LOT. I can hardly believe how rainy the month of May has been. I'm really looking forward to having some sunny, park days. And so are my boys.... Let me tell ya! Oh my goodness! Summer where are you?

Ethan is sick. He is grumpy and he doesn't have an appetite. He has had a rash for a few days and a fever. I am guessing that he got it from his brother.

Well Eric and Ethan are hanging onto me and Ethan is threatening to turn the computer off.
Gotta go! Bye!

non stop

Eric has started asking "What's that? and why? and so on.... Help!!! He will be 4 in 4 months!!! Where or where did the time go?

And Ethan is almost 17 months. Yikes! In some ways I'm looking forward to the summer time but in other ways I'm not because I know I'll be so busy chasing them all over the place.

Today I took the boys to Target. I didn't think that a quick trip would be so adventurous. I originally went in just to use the restroom but then Eric said he "had to potty" also :-). Then I went over to get some more pull-ups and on the to the cashier/check-out, Eric managed to fall and hit his nose and cut his lip ( He was doing a combination of skipping/jumping, do all 3 year olds have this much energy?). I looked at him and then noticed that he was bleeding. Should I start panicking now? (yes!) Well, I tried to remain calm (even though he starting crying loudly in the middle of the store) but I didn't really have anything with me to clean up blood but I did have some wipes. I got a few out and held them up to his nose and then made our way to the restroom. When I got to the bathroom, I was able to use some wet paper towels and pinch his nose to stop the bleeding. After we got ourselves back together and Eric seemed happy again, I finished buying the pull-ups (I went back and got the pull-ups because I got distracted).
Whew! What a day.

Just this week Eric has been talking and jabbering pretty much non-stop. I am trying to enjoy it but some times it really ....... drives me crazy. :-O I know this will pass. This is a very challenging time though because Ethan is also very busy. I have been working on getting a break now and then during the day. Ethan almost always takes a good 2-3 nap, but Eric takes a little more work. He will sleep if I tire him out enough. I love those breaks during the day.

not sure what to call this

(this post contains some emotions... just a warning)

This morning I woke up with swollen eyes.

Yesterday I went to a baby shower, for the first time since our miscarriage. I was doing ok until last night and this morning. I kind of had an idea that it would be difficult.
This morning it seemed to hit me or maybe it was like I hit it like a brick wall. I thought I was getting better. But suddenly the jealousy, anger and bitterness came up again.

The mom who was the guest of honor sat there so pretty. Along with her sat some other moms who had their babies with them. All girls... Imagine that? The cute baby girl clothes and the baby shoes.... It just went on and on. Satan was having a "hay day" with me yesterday and today.
I didn't even go to Church today. I didn't want to.

I don't think I will ever understand why there are some moms who had the chance to find out that their baby had a problem in an ultrasound or by some tests. When I had my 18 week ultrasound done to find out she was a girl, she appeared to be healthy. I don't know what defect or she had to cause her to die. I'm confused.
Did God supernaturally reach in and take her home? Maybe nothing really was wrong with Brianna. I don't know.
But I am having a hard time going forward. It is hard for me to be really happy and hold nothing back when I think of these Moms who have healthy babies.

I know I have 2 healthy boys. I don't know why I can't just be happy and get on with my life.

I also don't know why my husband doesn't understand. He's fine and I'm not.

Mothers Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was beautiful. I felt so loved and appreciated. David gave me some roses and a necklace and treated me to dinner at a nice restaurant that overlooked the river.
The weather was beautiful too.
Today I woke up to rain and deary looking clouds. I was actually quite depressed. I tend to get that way when the weather is bad. I love sunny days. But I have hope that the sun will shine tomorrow.

Today Eric is sick. He seems to have a cold again and a fever. He was fine earlier today but when he woke up from his nap he was grumpy and had a fever. I took him and Ethan to the library this morning and it rained on the way home. I mentioned that I didn't have an umbrella and we might have to go buy one. Then at home he kept saying "umbrella, umbrella, umbrellaaaaaa........" so many times that I decided to just buy one just for him. I found a cars one at Walmart. I knew he would love to have his very own umbrella.

I'm doing well so far. I'm looking forward to the summer like weather though. I have days were I still feel depressed and it is frustrating to me when I can't get my alone/quiet time. Some days I can hardly wait until the boys are in school. I may say this now, but when they are actually in school, I will probably miss them like crazy and want them to be young and at home again.